The Advice that Works for Others...🌿

Might not Work for You.

Hello Kindred Spirit, 

How are you? I hope your week is going well!

I have been thinking lately about how the advice sensitive people need is often the opposite of what works for the majority.

This is one of those things I have both thought myself and heard from other sensitives.

A specific example of this has been coming up for me lately.

We are often told to use “I” language when we are expressing something. This is non-violent communication, a way of not attacking or judging the other person.

And of course, this has a lot of merit.

OF COURSE, it’s a good idea to use “I” language in many situations.

Sensitives can do this really well.

But we can also take this to the extreme.

Sometimes, such as when we are dealing with a very aggressive person, all the “I” framing puts us on the defensive.

Let’s say, you have someone who constantly gets into your physical space, who tries to get their way by being physically dominating.

Someone like this usually doesn’t care about your comfort.

We can use “I” language and try different variations, but it will usually only work with people who were doing this unconsciously, not with a bully who was using this as a tactic to get their way.

In this case, saying “You need to move back. You are in my personal space” and then starting to set boundaries with a person like this is a stronger move. (Don’t do this if you think that being direct will harm you, such as when you are with an abusive person or in an imbalanced power dynamic. By all means, use indirect language then.)

But with many bullies, direct language and laying out consequences often works.

Sometimes, “I” can keep us in the defensive position, trying to justify what we feel. It is almost like, as “nice people,” we get into this space where we want to get other’s buy-in to justify OUR boundaries.

When someone crosses a boundary repeatedly, it is okay to not be “nice.”

It’s okay to set limits and consequences.

As a “recovering nice person,” I feel this growing sense that being discerning is about knowing which rule to apply when AND to take the emotional reality/maturity of the person you are dealing with into account.

No advice is good in all contexts.

And it’s important not to idealize either people or any one piece of “good advice.”

But to choose for yourself.

I know many sensitive people are not very good with confrontation, and that’s one of the reasons we like using “softer” approaches, aside from the fact that it can also be a wise thing to do in certain situations.

But when someone else has already escalated things, then a softer approach can look like being weak, especially to certain kinds of people. And it CAN effectively put us in a weaker position.

As I grow older, I want to acknowledge this grayness.

Things don’t always work fairly or neatly or clearly, no matter how much I want them to.

And sometimes, there is a thin line between actually being “kind” and being only “nice.”

I know it takes a lot of trial and error to find that balance, and often costly mistakes and trusting the wrong people to figure out where that line is for us.

But if our sensitivity is to transform from merely a soft landing pad for others into something that is a gift we own — which means that it is ours — then we have to also start owning our boundaries.

I hope we all learn to do this better each day.

And I hope that your gifts and your sensitivity and your creativity FEEL like gifts to you, and that you are not “generous to a fault,” but simply generous.

And as someone figuring this out, I wish this for myself too.

With love,

Ritu

Ritu Kaushal is the author of the book The Empath’s Journey and a Silver Medal Awardee at the Rex Karamveer Chakra Awards, co-presented by the United Nations in India. She also works as a writing coach for intuitive writers.

Find more about Ritu on her site here.